Bridging the gap between the deaf and hearing world- whose responsibility is it?

Before I launch into this blog, I'd like to make note that this is written from the perspective of one particular CODA (Child of Deaf Adult). It may not be reflective of the thoughts of others within the community, but is a reflection of my own experience and opinion.

For my whole life I have always been seen as the "bridge" or the interpreter or the communicator between my parents and the rest of the world. Whether it is signing everything that is being said at a family gathering or interpreting what the doctor is saying at the hospital. I was making decisions on behalf of my parents before I even reached secondary school age, without any adults to turn to. Even when my parents themselves didn't want me involved as they knew the impact this was having on my mental health, the rest of society would still drag me into the conversation. This was such a normal thing for me and many other CODAs I knew, but why was this accepted as the given way?

Why is an 8 year old child in the emergency room with her mother, watching the doctor do tests and stick needles in and out of her mother's arm, with the doctor dependent on the interpretation and understanding of a young child to help decide how to treat their patient? Why is a 6 year old child sitting there interpreting adult conversations at a family gathering when all the other kids could go outside and play? Children being asked to interpret in what can often be inappropriate circumstances, can place them in confusing and vulnerable situation. Now this isn't a sob story about my childhood, but instead a series of questions that is trying to ask- why are we asking the children to be the bridge?

I remember having a moan about this with a friend in my teen years. Their thoughts was that it is because everyone else had no choice- that they needed me to make sure my parents understood. There are so many young carers out there with so much responsibility (with many having far more than I did), but that is only because everyone else has no choice- right?

The older I got, the more frustrated I became. I'd be forgoing my own hospital appointments, as I felt mentally exhausted from attending so many of my parent's appointments. I was pulled out of lessons at school, so my teachers could talk to me about my brother- since they had no choice, right? I missed out on applying for opportunities to study abroad (even though my parents were cool with it), because others were nervous on how my parents would "cope". Even during the pandemic, as GPs started shutting their doors so you could only speak through an intercom- my deaf parents couldn't even go to the doctor's alone to simply pick up a prescription. 

But what happens if the deaf adult doesn't have a child or family member who can support? 

So does the responsibility lie with the deaf adult... To make sure they can understand the rest of the world? To ensure they can participate in the family gathering rather than sitting in silence? Do they all have to make sure they can lip read and be able to speak so that they can participate in any conversation? Deaf individuals are incredibly capable and have learnt many ways to navigate a predominantly hearing world, so does the responsibility lie with them?

Well... you only need to ask one deaf person to realise how hard it is to lip read in a group conversation. Or how hard it is to lip read when the doctor is using words they have never heard of before. 

So, is it then the responsibility of society to do their best to stop excluding because of someone's hearing ability or, in fact, any disability? The deaf community do not view deafness as a disability, but it is the exclusion in society that essentially makes them disabled.

Can we normalise writing things down to communicate with a deaf person? Or even ask their preference on how best to communicate. Can we bring awareness to using professional interpreters- banks, schools and hospitals all have processes as to how to organise them but awareness is often limited. But sadly... there is an unwillingness to use them due to costs associated. But surely it is safer to use a professional interpreter, than asking a child to translate medical words they do not understand or know how to convey?

Can we introduce sign language into the school curriculum or simply ask other family members to learn how to sign? It only takes 20mins to pick up the alphabet- that can't be too much to ask? In doing so, you can bring them into the conversation and even hear what they have to say too. Deaf individuals then become less excluded amongst their friends and family. You may even provide a CODA the opportunity to have some semblance of a childhood. 

Through social media and digital channels, awareness is vastly improving. It was through lobbying that an interpreter finally accompanied Boris Johnson on his Covid updates. Around 11 million people are deaf or hard of hearing in the UK and we, as a society, only need to take a few simple steps towards improving inclusivity.

I've included a link below to a great short video that inspired this blog- about a deaf child living with a hearing family. And if you want to learn some sign language to include a deaf person in your world, drop me a message- I'd be more than happy to help. 

The Silent Child

Why is Sign Language so important?

I have been using British Sign Language (BSL) to talk to my parents and their friends my whole life. I never thought it was anything special- it sometimes felt like effort and frankly I found it rather annoying that people would ask me how to swear in sign language. But as I grew up, I had a serious change in perspective. 

My previous mindset probably came from growing up with a lot of adults who didn’t see the value of sign language. They insisted that deaf people should learn how to lip read rather than use sign language. And while there are definitely many benefits of being able to lip read, I didn’t agree with that logic but I never said anything in retaliation. As a child, it frustrated me that I had to interpret everything at family gatherings (as no one could understand them) and stick with my parents the whole time rather than play with the other kids. I hated being taken out of school/uni to interpret for them for various meetings. I just desperately wished that my parents could communicate with others and didn’t need me to do so. 

As I got older, I really started to see just how important sign language was. I became immensely proud of it. I also completed my level 2 qualification in BSL- which was a huge turning point in my own understanding of the language.  

I started to see it as a depiction of the deaf culture- it was at the heart of the community and something that deaf people are immensely proud of. Sign language was more than about using your hands- it is about your body language and facial expression. It’s about taking the other person on the journey with you as you tell a story through multiple forms. 

Using sign language allows a deaf person to be part of the conversation, rather than forcing them to the periphery of a group with no clue as to what anyone is saying. Even when a deaf person can lip read, keeping up with a group conversation is extremely difficult. I absolutely hate it when I am not part of the group conversation but imagine that happening every time you are in a setting with only hearing people. The social isolation that some deaf/Deaf people can face leads to struggles with depression and anxiety. By even one person in the group using sign language to explain what is going on, it can make a significant difference to make them feel included.  

Even if you don’t know a deaf person or are unable to pick up a whole new language, learning just a few words can make such a huge difference. My friends have started to learn a few sentences and it makes my mum SO SO HAPPY when she can communicate with them (a lot of love for these people). It can make such a difference to a deaf person when someone takes a little time out to respond in sign language or even simply says thank you in sign. 

So today or tomorrow, take a little time out to learn a few phrases- I even left you a little link to help you get started https://www.british-sign.co.uk 😊

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Life with deaf parents

Hello again :)

I am so proud of my parents and the challenges they have conquered as deaf individuals. People are always shocked to hear that both my parents are deaf and this is followed by a million questions on my childhood and how I coped. They usually feel super awkward to ask questions but honestly, I love the questions because I can appreciate people being curious rather than ignorant and rude.

So I thought to write a few fun facts on my experience of having deaf parents (emphasis on MY as it is not the same for everyone- just like living in London is a different experience for all). I am keeping it as light-hearted as possible, let's be honest, no one wants to hear of the struggles.

Things you know to be true when you have deaf parents:

(1) When someone hears that you have deaf parents, the first thing they ask 90% of the time is how to sign swear words. Funnily enough, my parents didn't actually spend time teaching me how to swear.

(2) You knew two or three languages before you even hit school age- my fun fact every time we do those weird ice breakers *flips hair*.

(3) It is NOT quiet at home at all. They don't know how loud they are- I can be having a normal conversation with my mum next to me but her voice is loud enough for people across the road to hear. 

(4) You bitch about other people in sign language.

(5) You feel like a proud parent when they do something themselves that you normally assist with.

(6) You often want to throttle people when they say you can't speak on the phone on behalf of your parents. 'Oh you want to speak to my mum... yeh sure... have fun understanding her'. Younger me used to get frustrated and figure an alternative. A 'little worn by life' me decides to put my mum on the phone anyway and make the person feel super awkward as they have no idea what my mum is saying (my mum thinks it is funny too). 

(7) When companies ask for consent from the parents to allow us to speak on their behalf. You do know that we write those letters and emails too (because their English isn't that great).

(8) People on the phone also say 'Omg I am so sorry'. They are deaf not dead...

(9) When people flail their hands at you and ask is this sign language.. like seriously? I might as well burp at someone and see if they can translate.

(10) Children of deaf parents can be excellent liars. When your parents say something that you are too embarrassed to communicate or someone else says something that will anger your parents, translating something completely different is our ticket out of creating a huge mess.

(11) Builders/Gardeners/Electricians will try and con you with costs or quality of work as the adults are 'disabled' and a 10 years old kid is doing the communicating. Nooope, let me show you how things go down... I may be an overly nice person, but when someone tries to con my parents, hell is unleashed.

(12) You were capable of overseeing a house move, making a claim on the car insurance, setting up the phone and utility bills waaay before you were even a teenager.

(13) You sometimes use 'I need to do stuff for my parents' as a ticket to get out of plans. Sorry not sorry.

(14) Your parents make deaf friends anywhere in the world. Despite the sign languages being different- this goes on to my next point...

(15) Yes- different countries have different sign languages. There is around 300 different sign languages according to the last article I read.

(16) There is a mahoosive difference between the amount of responsibilities the eldest child has and the other children...

(18) It is so stressful when your parents are calling you and you are in the bathroom (probably mid-poop). They can't hear you respond and they are gonna think you are a little shit (pardon the pun haha) for ignoring them.

(19) You learn to be creative in getting their attention- turning the hallway lights on and off (if they are on a different floor to you), screaming at a certain pitch that you know they can hear, flailing your arms around, asking your sibling to go get them and hoping they won't try and take revenge at this moment. Anything besides having to actually go up to them and tap them to get their attention.

(20) Finding that getting their attention is even harder now that their eyes are glued to their smart phones.

(21) Constantly hearing the Skype/FaceTime ring tone as they sign to their friends 24/7. Yay for technology in allowing you to communicate but OMG is that shit annoying.

(22) Technology has made life sooo much easier. It used to suck when on a school trip all your friends can call their parents but you were stuck only being able to text in broken English. Now FaceTime has helped communicating so much. But it also means your parents decide to FaceTime unnecessarily too- on the bus, at Tesco's, on the streets. 

(23) It drives you insane that there are so many people in your parents life who cannot use sign language. 

(24) If you can sign well, all the other deaf parents love you. Once again, sorry not sorry.

(25) Deaf culture has defined you as a person much more than anything else (including being an Indian). People always say that Gujarati/Hindi is my mother tongue, but actually it is sign language.

Dear Parents

Dear Parents

Your child is not just their grades.

Your child is not their list of achievements that you can show-off.

Your child is not just your honour and pride.

Your child is not responsible for fulfilling your dreams and wishes.

Your child is a whole host of stories, experiences and dreams and wishes of their own.

Your child is the stories that they bring home from school or university. Listen to them. Hear their journey. Don't just look at their grades and ignore the rest. We all lead busy lives. But don't make it so busy that your child forget they matter.

Your child is not a list of achievements. They are a culmination of their experiences. Do not restrict their experiences to ones that look good on job applications. Even if you can't afford to or have the time, at least allow them when they can fund it themselves. If your child wants to travel the world, take a gap year, learn how to surf- let them. They shouldn't have to find an academic/job-related excuse every time.

Your child is not just your honour and pride. As soon as a child turns twenty-one: 'You need to find an INDIAN partner and get married'. Is this what your child wants?  God forbid that your child does not want to get married or worse: get married to someone who is NOT indian. Why did honour and pride become more important than a child's happiness? Why put a dampener on your child's happiness just to please people who will still talk behind your back about the lack of parking at the wedding?

There is value in having a good reputation. But that should rest on being a good person, not on the number of A* they got at GCSE.

Your child is not responsible for fulfilling your dreams and wishes. If you dreamed of being an accountant, then good for you, but that doesn't mean your child does too. If your child does not want to go to university, that is their choice. They shouldn't have to go to university because all your sisters' children went. Your child's success will come from doing what they love. Not from doing something that impresses the community.

I know I am not a parent and I definitely do not understand the pressures that they face. But I am a child. I am a person that is more than her grades and achievements. I am a person who does not solely exist to support her parents (contrary to certain beliefs). I am a person who dreams of doing so much.

The content above seems like common sense. But yet it is not the reality for so many people. If there is one thing I want people to take away from this, then it is listen. Really listen to your child, otherwise they are going to spend the rest of their lives thinking no one cares.

Yours Sincerely,
Neha Shukla.
The girl who went to university away from home, because she is more than her parents' caretaker.
The girl who went to Costa Rica, to learn Spanish, to surf, to snorkel, to hang out with sloths- just because she wanted to.
The girl who took a gap year- because why not.
The girl who did Economics at university instead of medicine.
While I did have to fight very hard for these opportunities, I am blessed that I was able to.

** Disclaimer: This is not a complaint about my upbringing. This 'letter' comes from a combination of my own experiences, my friends and children I have worked with.
Side note: I am not saying that all parents need to pamper their children and give them everything they want. All I am saying is allow them to make decisions that are not always based around impressing everyone else.

Why My ‘New Year’s Resolutions’ Come in the form of a To-Do List

It would have probably made more sense to write this blog back in early January, but as I am an excellent procrastinator it took until now to publish it.

At the start of the new year, there are tons and tons of posts about New Year’s Resolutions all over social media- from companies cashing in on the ‘New Year, New Me’ tag line to articles about how making resolutions at the beginning of the year are fundamentally wrong etc. Whether people are making them or not, it is still massively talked about every January.

However, instead of making New Year’s Resolution the traditional way, I have been writing a yearly to-do list.  It is not a revolutionary concept, but these yearly to-do lists have made such a difference to my outlook on life, especially this year. While 2016 was one of the best years of my life, it didn’t end so well and so this year started with a lot of negative emotions. Coupled with the fact that I had no job prospects and no idea what I was going to do this year, I felt incredibly demotivated.

Although, once I had put together my to-do list, I felt like I had the smallest bit of direction for this year. The list included things such as volunteer somewhere, complete a charity run, go travelling and pass my driving test (yes, it is embarrassing that I haven’t even attempted a test). Specifying what I needed to do with my year gave me much better direction than ‘be more active’. Stating that I needed to join a dance class and complete another charity run provided a much easier way of measuring whether I have been successful. Instead of saying that I needed to work hard this year, I would write that I need to volunteer and find a full-time job. When I then manage to tick both off, I can prove to myself that I really did put in effort this year.

Wanting to cross things off my to-do list is also a massive motivator. Including something as simple as ‘try something new’ now has me sitting in a class surrounded by middle-aged people and creating pretty cool pieces of artwork. It sounds odd, but having a to-do list pushed me to work in a different country for two months last year. However, there does come a time when crossing something off your to-do list is not a big enough motivator to complete something. So, I found that telling friends and family about all the things I need to complete, works to push you that little further. Especially when they ask about how much of it you have completed on a regular basis.

Of course, there are massive issues with writing lists. One of the big ones is that it is incredibly disheartening when you don’t tick everything off on the list. But then it is about following that incredibly cheesy advice of ‘focus on the positives’. If I don’t manage to complete everything on my list this year, I can still be proud of the fact that I completed five out of ten things in the first six weeks of the year- including finding a graduate job, volunteering and joining a dance class. It is also about being relatively realistic as well. On my 21 things to do before I am 21 list, I wrote that I needed to ‘get rid of depression forever’. However, mental illnesses don’t quite work like that and so that was something which was close to impossible to achieve (I am doing completely fine now).

To end with, I am including a picture of my to-do list for this year. This is quite personal as I normally only ever share this with close friends and family, but perhaps posting it for the world to see may just push me to work that little bit harder to complete it all.

Like it says on my incredibly cheesy to-do list poster, ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’.

Solo Travelling

When people ask me what my favourite memory was from my time abroad, I always come back to the same answer: the time that I went to explore the Blue Mountains in New South Wales. This wasn’t the first time I went to the mountains that year, but it was the time that I went alone and the experience was just incredible.

Before I explain why, I would like to say that I love going away with friends. I have some amazing memories from my time in Copenhagen and I had such a laugh in Prague. Morocco, Beijing, Corfu and Dublin were all so incredible and so were the people that I went to those places with too.

However, there is some sort of joy that comes from travelling alone that just makes it a whole other level of awesome.

When I was exploring the mountains, I could choose to see the parts that I wanted to see. I could go at my own pace and take pictures whenever I wanted. I can change my mind last minute and decide to take the 2-hour trek to the next waterfall without having to convince someone else too. I was able to spend 20 minutes standing in one spot, and take in the views, without someone grumbling in the background. And trust me, those views were incredible.

Pictures cannot do these views justice (in particular those taken by a samsung S3)

However, at the end of the day I can come back to the hostel and have a laugh with the people that I was sharing my room with. Nothing brings together a group of strangers than when they are in a strange country alone. I was always excited to hear about when someone had booked their next travel plans and some of my roommates were more scared about me going skydiving than I was myself. You get to learn so much about other people from different parts of the world which you do not get to experience to the same extent when you go away with a group of people. I mean, I managed to find someone who was so similar to me yet had a completely different upbringing. It is weird how quickly you can connect with someone when you are sharing the same experiences- even if it is only a day long trip.

The best part of these friendships was that there was no expectation to do what they were doing. When I went to the beach with someone, she wanted to go back after we completed the coastal walk and I wanted to stay and watch the sunset.  There were no qualms. No awkwardness. It was a case of you do what you want to do and I will do what I want to do. I was able to sit there with a good book and enjoy the sunset without worrying about needing to get back at a certain time. And for someone who is always worrying about something or the other, it felt truly peaceful to know that no one was expecting anything from me.

Coastal Walks

It is not all plain sailing. There are times when you have to eat alone as you are got back from an adventure rather late. There are times when you need a comforting hug as you spent half an hour walking down the same street in typhoon rain trying to find out where your hostel is. There are times when you have to get ready in the dark as no one else in your dorm is getting up at 6am.

Having an Asian family, I also came across the whole ‘it is not safe’, ‘a young girl cannot travel alone’ and so on. Hell, I even got that from my friends too. Some said I was really brave and others said I was being crazy. But in all honesty, I am probably in more danger taking the tube in London then roaming the harbour in Hong Kong. And the latter gives me so much more joy. The funny part is that I have been organizing my family’s holidays my whole life. From finding the best deals on flights and hotels down to figuring out how to get from one place to the next, I have done this all on my own before I even got to secondary school. So, if a 9years old me can do it, why can’t a 21years old me do it? It would be even easier as I wouldn’t have to ensure that I am keeping everyone else happy too.

Enjoying these views without dealing with someone moaning in the background

Even then, travelling alone really pushes you out of your comfort zone. I had to force myself to talk to strangers, to be confident to go up and start a conversation. I had to be comfortable with eating alone in public. I had to learn to trust my instincts as there was no one to tell me if something was a good idea or not. But I never had to compromise. I did what my instincts told me to do and I have never felt more at peace.

I really recommend to give solo travelling a go. Even if it is just a trip to another city for the weekend. My only regret is that I didn’t go for longer.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.